My spirit is in a place of disarray today. I am not my usual cheery self. My mind is trying to focus on the tasks of the day while my heart is trying to stay together. I am inundated with concern for the one man that means the world to me. The man that loved me since my conception. The man with the austere approach to life. The man that taught me to love everyone. The man that swept me off my feet. The man that was placed in my life to always be there.
I have known for some time that he would not always be around physically. I have come to terms with that. Yet and still I am not ready to let him go. He means so much to me and my heart is heavy. There is still so much that I want to share with him…memories, moments, and milestones. He has been my rock and I have always yielded to his advice and authority. I am not ready.
I know that death is the only certainty in life. I believe that after this life ends, there is a better place. I believe that the pain and suffering will not last forever – when his pain and suffering ends, mine will begin. I will mourn the loss of his flesh. My spirit will celebrate his gracious transition. I am just not ready. Strength is natural for me…I have had to be strong for so long. He instilled that in me. I know that I have people to talk to and people to lean on, but there is only one of him. he is the only one that can give to me what he can.
I am trying not to focus on the negative possibilities. I am trying to remain grounded and strong. My heart is fighting that. My mind is going in one direction but my heart…my heart is breaking. My heart feels the reality of the situation. My heart knows the truth and accepts it. My heart is what will need the most attention because my mind has already moved on. This is a test of my faith, my strength, and my sanity. If it is his time, I understand. I love him. He is my dad. He will be missed more than words could ever describe.